As I write this, at work no less, I’m angry. At the NHS, at God for the fact that so many of my friends have gone through such difficulty this year, and then at myself for not being thankful for all the wonderful things 2022 has brought me.
Before you Write Your Resolution, Don’t Forget that God isn’t Done with You
And so, as another year rounds to a close, I, like many of us will reflect, ponder and inevitably start to write down near-heroic aims for the year to come. If you’re anything like me, your resolution writing gets out of hand and by the time you’ve said you’re going to change your diet, mindfulness routine, exercise class frequency and text everyone back within five minutes of receiving a message, you’re stuffed. I say we take a moment, and realise we are works-in-progress.
Anger.
There it is again.
Have Grace For Yourself, You’re a Hypocrite and God Loves Hypocrites
Anger is an emotion I know well. And this fury is not even aimed at others, but rather that fire is aimed at me. Why? Well the answer is simple: I am a hypocrite.
With one hand I will praise the Lord of Hosts and with the other will raise a middle finger to either Him or his image bearers. Or perhaps claim to follow the way, truth and life yet in the same breath lie, curse and gossip. Who am I? Jekyll and Hyde? Why is it that I nurse this great love for God deep within my bones, yet from that same place will come forth acts, thoughts and motives that betray Him? Why am I such a hypocrite?
David certainly knows how I feel: ‘Blot out my iniquities; create in me a clean heart O God.’ – Psalm 51:9 – 10. If the writer of most of the longest book of the Bible can impregnate a woman to whom he’s not married and subsequently murder her husband, then I’m thankful that there are others that struggle with this.
I think David was onto something: create in me a clean heart O God. Whenever I mull over these three words, they are a soothing balm to my rage and self-hate. They transform my outlook from self-obsession to Godward exultation, taking my eyes off my shortcomings and onto His grace.
The truth is, I am a hypocrite. I am rife with juxtapositions and contradictions. My deepest desire is to love God, but I find myself powerless to do so even close to adequately. And no resolution will change that.
God’s Grace Not only Forgives, but Empowers you
And so I plead, beg and cast myself on His mercy and grace. And what mercy and grace this is! Not only He removed my sin as far as east is from west, He is chiselling me into a more holy and less hypocritical version of me – one who loves Him more and my sin less.
‘I am sure of this, that he who started a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.’
Philippians 1:6
Though stumbles and falls await the remainder of my days on earth, He will complete the work that he has started in me. For now, I’m enjoying being a work in progress. He’s not finished with us yet.
Bring on 2023.
