The average number of social media accounts has risen from five in 2014, to nine in 2018[1]. In this modern ultra-connected world, we can easily find community: IG, sports teams, hobbies, hangouts, quidditch appreciation societies and the list goes on. However, what is in short supply is authentic community. People who know the real you. Jesus calls this ‘Walking in the light’.
Community is about letting people see your shadows
The analogy is simple: show people the ugly side of you. You know, the bits in the shadows. The hard thing about walking in the light is that Jesus doesn’t just clean you up. Walking in the light exposes both the beauty and the beast within. Therefore, if you’re going to follow Jesus successfully, you’re going to need help. People who know the real you. They need to both call you on your mess and push you to greatness.
‘But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin.’
1 John 1:7
Theologians sometimes like to group Jesus’ disciples in terms of proximity. There were the multitudes of followers that he would teach extensively but spend little time with. Smaller still, were the 72 whom he personally taught and trained. Then there was an even smaller division, the 12 disciples. This group was Jesus’ entourage; wherever Jesus was, there they were, often doing ministry together as well as sharing meals, recreational and rest times together.
However, Jesus had an even smaller group of men. To Peter, James and John, he gave special insight: they witness his transfiguration, the temptation at the garden of Gethsemane and even introduced them to Moses and Elijah!
My Community is messy, because it is authentic
I have a group of five people in my life who have walked alongside me for almost a decade: Jon, Hannah, Helen and Beth. Jon and I have walked through break-ups, promotions, babies, marriages, faith breakthroughs and faith breakings, suffering and more than a few deaths. Outside my fiancé Clare, they are the first to know where and how I come off the rails and have full permission to speak frankly into my life. When the inner circle works, it works wonders because it reveals all my failures, and these five speak life and hope into my mess and have helped me grow into the man I am today.
I, however, am a black man.
Whilst guys tend to walk through life alone, in my experience, black men have turned this into an artform. The cool and composed veneer never betraying the scared boy yearning for some companionship. (It’s one of the reasons my friend Joel Thika started a running club that helps guys deal with their mental health[2]). The hardest thing about the inner circle are the hard days: the conversations where they disapprove of my over-working lifestyle and the confrontations about my hurtful jokes (even if they are comedic gold). Community is easy. Authentic community is hard, because it allows someone else to have the final say.
With true intimacy comes offence
Culture says that authenticity means being true to yourself. What if your true self insults the ones you love?
I’m just not good at texting back. Ghosting.
I’m sorry about missing your birthday; it’s been a busy few months. Self-centred.
Kevin Hart said it – why are you bothered? Insensitive.
Why can’t you be more like X? Judgemental.
And there’s many more I could add to my list. What’s on yours? Authenticity means messy. I can’t tell you the number of arguments, fallouts and misunderstandings I’ve had with my five, let alone the thousands with Clare. But, what do you get in return?
Intimacy.
When you came to Jesus, he looked at all your mess and decided to both forgive it as well as help you overcome it. Walking in the light means allowing other people to do the very same thing. The intimacy of a good friendship is proven to help your mental health, hold you stable and finally put to rest this insatiable quest towards finding a lover. Jesus was the most fulfilled being who ever lived. Single. Paul was the most effective missionary in the history of the church. Single. Surely their lives and their legacies are enough to convince a marriage-idolising Western church that true intimacy is not found exclusively in a romantic relationship? Intimacy is an essential in any true relationship, whether it be romantic or platonic.
If you liked this, try this:
- Emotionally Healthy – Pete Scazzero is the guy when it comes to developing authentic community. Sign up and improve your emotional health now.
- Run With Purpose – My friend Joel Thika has started an amazing community helping men overcome mental health issues through running and socialising.
References
[1] Statiasta Global Social Media Account Ownership from 2013 to 2018, Clement, J. 2020.
[2] Run With Purpose. See above.
