On Christmas Eve a leak was discovered at my mum’s house that caused part of the lounge ceiling to collapse, making the house uninhabitable. It couldn’t have happened at a worse time – with no plumbers free and with our family planning to stay at the house for Christmas.
Thankfully after a few frantic days a plumber was able to come and fix the leak and the house is now warming and drying out.
A few weeks ago I said to someone that this had been the hardest year of my life. Since then, my twenty-year-old friend suddenly died and the ceiling fell down. I had expected this to be a challenging Christmas with it being the first without my dad and with my mum in a care home, but it’s been far more stressful.
My wife Katherine and I ended Christmas Day staring at the cold, dark, damaged lounge and then getting into our car and discovering the heating had broken and a headlight had blown.
I’m Both Thankful and Angry at God
There are two things I’ve been feeling a lot: gratitude and anger. Let’s start with gratitude.
I’m grateful for the support of friends. In the midst of the craziness, people have given time to come help at the house, including Christmas Day. People have offered beds and food. We have also received some incredible financial gifts from multiple people in our church family to help cover costs, including getting an Airbnb provided for our family.
We’ve been blown away by generosity. I’m so grateful for the kindness that one can experience in a unique and powerful way when you’re going through rough times.
But as well as feeling grateful, I’m also angry.
You have Permission to Be Angry
I think many Christians believe that we can’t say we’re angry, especially in public. But I love that the Bible gives us permission to express our anger and disappointment to God. The book of Psalms models what it is to pour out our hearts and be honest about how we feel.
“Why, O Lord, do you stand far off? Why do you hide yourself in times of trouble?”
Psalm 10:1.
I love that the Father gives his children permission to weep and beat on his chest when they don’t understand why he’s allowed things to happen.
So that’s what I’ve done this week.
I do feel grateful. But I also feel angry. Upset. Disappointed. And that’s ok.
I’ve told God, often through shouts, that I don’t think this is fair… or good… or kind. And sometimes, (not always) I’m able to come to a place of declaring my trust in him. A sort of “and-yet-I-know-you-are-good” kind of moment.
Christmas is about Remembering that God Came Close
I wish this whole thing had never happened, especially not at Christmas. But Christmas is a season where we’re reminded of a story. Not just one of shepherds and wise men, but a story of an incredible truth that God cares about my life. He didn’t stay far off, but came close. He was born in muck, and loved those that also found themselves in muck.
I do feel grateful. But I also feel angry.
Upset.
Disappointed.
And that’s ok.
In the midst of the darkness, car bills, emergency plumbing telephone calls and rants to the Almighty, I find comfort in the reminder of Jesus.
Immanuel – God with us.
